Hearts Without Chains
by OilssssssAndStuff
Summary: Tumblr prompt: "you're my clarity (the song Clarity by Zedd might help)"


**A/N:** **Okay so I took a little break from updating my other stories to write this. This is the first Clexa story I've written, and I had a bit of trouble with it because the prompt is kind of vague and I feel like that song has several different interpretations. So I basically just did whatever the hell I wanted with that prompt and this is what I came up with. Let me know what you think, and I may start writing more Clexa stories because they are my babies and there needs to be more fics about them.**

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The guards immediately let you in when you stumble out of the woods on shaky legs and walk toward the main gates of Polis. You don't know how long you have been on your own for, all the days have blended together in your mind, but you think it's been about a month. A month of struggling to find food, water, and shelter. You hadn't exactly thought things through when you left Bellamy at the gates of Camp Jaha, looking back you realize you probably should have brought supplies with you. The only thought that had crossed your mind then was that you needed to get away from those people who would be a constant reminder of what you did back at Mount Weather.

That was the first place you had gone after leaving Camp Jaha. You had to see it, see exactly what you had done for the sake of your people. Before you were so focused on finding everybody that you didn't get a chance to really _see_ what you've done, but you had to face it. When you stepped into the dining hall on level five and saw all the bodies littered across the ground, you fell to your knees and choked on a sob. You had covered your ears and tried to block out all the voices in your head as you cried. You could still hear Jasper's accusing voice in your head as he clutched Maya's lifeless body to his chest, still see the tears streaming down his face as he glared at you for killing them all.

It took you four days to bury them all, and when you finished your hands were covered in blisters and blood, but you didn't care about the pain. You separated Maya from the rest, taking time to go into the woods to pick flowers to place on her grave. You wished you could have saved her, not just for Jasper but for everyone. Because although Jasper and her were lovers, she was a friend to all of your people. She was good and she was kind and she was a _hero_. You wished you could have done things differently, you wished you had another choice.

Maybe you would have if Lexa had stayed. If she had fought by your side instead of taking her people and running maybe things would have been different. Thinking about the Commander had made your chest constrict painfully and made it difficult to breathe. But she was the person you were now seeking.

Gone was the pain of her betrayal, and in its place was the need to be understood. Lexa is the only person who will ever be able to understand you, and you are afraid that if you don't go and see her you will get lost in your self-hatred forever and never be able to recover from this. Because as much as you hate to admit it, you _need_ her. You wish you could just hate her because she left you to potentially die, but you know that if you had been in her position you would have chosen your people over the alliance.

"Heda has been expecting you, Clarke of the Sky People," says one of the guards as they lead you to Lexa. He is enormous, and the large armor he is wearing and the sword he carries makes him even more intimidating. You briefly wonder how they even knew you were coming, but you assume some grounder must have spotted you coming in this direction and let Lexa know.

You don't say anything in return mainly because the only thing you're focused on is how hungry you are and how you can smell fresh food coming from many different trade stands. Your stomach growls and you ignore it because right now your focus is on getting to Lexa. But the other guard seemed to hear because she goes off to one of the stands and comes back with a bowl filled with several different kinds of meat in it and hands it to you.

"Eat up, Sky Princess. You are not looking well. Heda will not be pleased to see you in such a state," she says with a kind smile. She is young, closer to your age, perhaps even younger than you. You can't help but think she looks similar to Anya. Their faces are practically identical, same jawline, same cheekbones, same nose. The only difference is that this girl has emerald green eyes as opposed to Anya's chestnut brown eyes. You wonder if they are related.

"Thank you," you whisper gratefully. You don't hesitate to start eating, and you can't hold back the moan that escapes your lips after taking the first bite. The girl chuckles, and you even think you see the huge guard smile, but you're too hungry to be embarrassed.

"I am Adara," she introduces herself. "I spotted you in the woods while I was on a hunt. Heda was afraid that you didn't make it back from the mountain. Don't tell her I told you this, but I could tell she was very relieved upon hearing that you are alive."

The realization hit you then, Lexa has no idea what happened after she left you at Mount Weather. Something about that makes you inexplicably angry because she was supposed to be there. She was supposed to be there to help you with that decision. It was supposed to be _her,_ not Bellamy. And of course you are grateful that Bellamy was there, but he made the decision for a different reason. He did it for his sister, and you did it for the entirety of your people, and only Lexa would understand that sacrifice.

"Are we almost there?" You ask, not being able to conceal the anger you are feeling. Your hands are shaking and your stomach is churning uncomfortably and you need to see her. All you can think about is how she needs to know everything that happened once she left.

"We have actually just arrived, Clarke of the Sky People," Adara said.

You stand outside a war tent similar to the one Lexa had in Tondc, and you're suddenly very aware of how awful you look. You lost several pounds from not having a sufficient diet for the past month. You're also very dirty from not bathing for at least a week. Plus, you're still in the same clothes Lexa last saw you in, which are just as dirty as you are from not being able to wash them often.

The tent opens and when you enter you see her. She is perched on her throne, much like the first time you met, but this time she has no war paint, no dagger, and she is nervously biting her lip. Your breath hitches in your throat when your eyes connect, and you hate that she is still capable of getting a reaction out of you. You two are alone now, and you thought you knew what you wanted to say to her but now everything you had planned has slipped from your mind.

She stands up from her throne and walks over to you, keeping a respectful distance. She takes a moment to look at you, and her eyebrows knit together in worry. You take the time to look at her also, and you notice that she isn't looking very well either. She looks as though she hasn't slept very much from the dark circles under her eyes.

"You're alive," she whispers, the first to break the silence that had settled between the two of you. Her piercing gaze is unsettling, it's as though she's trying to find answers just by looking at you.

"I am. No thanks to you." You meant for the words to come out much harsher, but you notice that you just sound tired. You've spent too long carrying all this baggage on your own, and now that you're confronting Lexa for what she had done it's like all the energy that you had has drained from your body.

"Clarke, I-"

"Don't, Lexa. I don't want to hear your excuses, okay?"

"Then why are you here, Clarke? Why did you come to Polis?" She asks calmly.

"Because I— I needed someone who would understand what I have done. I knew you would be here and I just needed you to know and needed you to _understand_ ," you reply. Your voice is trembling, and your chest constricts painfully as flashbacks hit you.

"What is it that you need me to understand?"

"I killed them," you mumble as you look down at your feet. You know she heard you because her eyes widened slightly and you can tell she is holding in a breath. "I killed all of them. Even the children and the people who helped us. They're all dead because I had no other choice but to kill them. They would have killed all of my people and I couldn't let that happen."

You feel tears trail down your cheeks and you wipe at them angrily. You don't want her to see you cry. You're tired of being weak.

"And you were supposed to be there," you growl, pushing her hard enough to make her stumble backwards slightly. "You were supposed to be there _with me_ , and make that decision _with me_ , and we were supposed to find our people _together_. But you just left. After everything we went through together, you just left. I should hate you, I want to hate you, but I— I just can't."

"I wish I could have stayed, Clarke, I really do. But your people are more forgiving than mine, and my people would have had me killed if I didn't take that deal. My people come first, they always have and they always will, but that doesn't mean I wanted to leave you."

Hearing the honesty in your voice makes your heart clench painfully in your chest. Your weak legs give out, but strong arms wrap around your waist and hold you upright. You bury your face in the crook of her neck as you sob.

You don't know what it is about this woman, but even after everything that's happened she is the only person who gets you. You're still not ready, and you don't forgive her for what she's done, but you'll get there. You need time and you need her understanding, and eventually you will get there. Because even though you know everything about your relationship with her is wrong, you can't help but feel like it's so _right_. She is a paradox that you still haven't quite figured out, but she's figured you out and that's exactly what you need.

"Please don't leave me."

"I won't, Clarke. Not again."

 _End._


End file.
